I am expecting a delivery, and even though I know I should be patient I can’t help but fume. The stork that was supposed to drop off my baby left another ​“Sorry we missed you!​” slip on my front door, and now I have to stay home again tomorrow to wait for it!

This happens truly ​every time​ the stork tries to deliver a baby to my Brooklyn brownstone. For instance, my last child, Julia, the light of my life, was almost sent back to the warehouse because there were so many failed drop-off attempts. I remember the third time the stork came, I left a note on my door with unmistakably clear instructions. I provided my work and cell numbers. I even drew a picture of the stork using the building intercom, in case he couldn’t read. But guess what? The stork ignored all of that. At 5:18 P.M.吻胸口解内衣, despite having sat around waiting the whole day, I get this text message:

“STORK LE001494316CA, Notice Left—SIGNATURE REQUIRED 05/13/2020”

Are you kidding me? I was waiting! I could have signed! Look, I ​know​ it’s not easy being the lone bird responsible for delivering all of the world’s babies wrapped in little cloth bundles, but, my God吻胸口解内衣, is he not accountable to anyone? The stork has my newborn and yesterday he apparently flew by my building but “could not find a secure location” to deposit it. ​Instead, the stork left a message to “go online to ​www.UnitedStorkService.com/redelivery​ to request a redelivery.” Of course, after an hour of dealing with their excruciatingly clunky home page I tried calling the support line, and it was the worst experience of my life. You wait for ​hours​ on hold, and then the employee that finally answers you is totally unhelpful:

吻胸口解内衣“Hi! I was supposed to get a baby today but it didn’t come.”

“Says here there was an attempted delivery at 2:04 P.M.

“What?! I was home a​t 2:04 P.M.吻胸口解内衣! Is he still around? Can I catch him?”

“Unfortunately, Sir, because the stork is a large bird, he has a giant wingspan, and is already in another state.”

Freaking ​typical.​

吻胸口解内衣You may think I’m exaggerating, but seriously. Take a look at this tracking information and tell me it’s not confusing:

Tuesday, May 12, 2020, 12:00 P.M.吻胸口解内衣, BROOKLYN, NY, Redelivery Scheduled

Monday, May 11, 2020, 6:03 P.M.吻胸口解内衣, BROOKLYN, NY, Notice Left (No Secure Location Available)

Monday, May 11, 2020, 5:08 P.M.吻胸口解内衣, BROOKLYN, NY, Out for Delivery

Monday, May 11, 2020, 6:10 A.M., BROOKLYN, NY, Baby Placed in Delivery Bassinet

Saturday, May 9, 2020, 4:37 P.M.吻胸口解内衣, BROOKLYN, NY, DISTRIBUTION CENTER, Arrived at Stork Regional Destination Facility

SQUAWK, 1:12 P.M., SQUAWK, SQUAWK, SQUAWK

Friday, May 8, 2020, 8:31 A.M.吻胸口解内衣, Stork Nest, Child Born

I know what you’re going to say: “Why don’t you just have your child delivered to your office, or to a friend’s place?” But it’s the principle of the thing! My wife wants a home birth (we don’t want to lug the baby on the subway), and honestly we shouldn’t have to compromise on that if we paid for expedited shipping.

At the end of the day, I don’t even know why I’m writing this customer-support e-mail since the stork is never going to read it. But I want you all to know—one more botched attempt and I’m switching to Amazon. I hate myself for saying it, but Jeff Bezos would fly my baby here, same-day吻胸口解内衣, with a ton of diaper padding.

吻胸口解内衣Don’t make me cancel my order, stork. Just buzz Apartment 3 and deliver my damn baby!